The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapmanthis book is a tool through which the author, gary chapman, can play out his jesus-complex disguised as a relationship self-help book. there are references from the bible throughout almost every chapter and gary likes to include generous praise from his clients who call him a miracle worker. its damn-near pretty close to being called god.
the book has all the hallmarks of a bestseller: easy to read (i read it in one day); hopeless circumstances that seem beyond repair; and an uplifiting ending. the more bestsellers i read, the more i realize that the formula for mainstream media isnt just used in music and movies, its used in books, too. ugh, how annoying. i admit, i was almost sold on it, too. the author used just the right amount of despair and at the appropriate moments, instilled hope for a better future. and while hope isnt bad at all, the book lacks in addressing the complexity of relationships as well as the diversity of relationships in todays world. for example, this book may not translate well in multicultural relationships that are dictated by a whole different set of mores and values. also, i wonder how it would be relevant to queer couples or polyamourous relationships. its quite apparent that this book is meant for hetero-white-christian-monogamous couples.
but the one major caveat of this book that isnt so much a caveat as a poorly disguised advocate of misogyny, is the case of a woman who has been abused (what type of abuse has been perpetrated isnt made explicit and garys reluctance to do so makes me suspicious of how the church deals with issues of domestic violence). garys advice? dismiss any of your own feelings of discomfort (being used for sex) and have sex with your husband as an act of love and hope that he will reciprocate that love. and what i dont understand is how people have overlooked this, even people who are in the psychology field. thats one thing he doesnt really address, how to identify your limits and make compromises. if you cant see the problem with this picture, i pray you never get married. or have a relationship. or speak to people.
the gender roles in this book are fucking archaic. theres this little section where gary talks about the gender differences in sexual desire. according to him, these differences are all physiologically based. men simply have more tension built-up as a result of massive sperm generation whereas women dont, and that is why women dont crave sex the way men do. instead, women only want sex if their men meet their emotional needs. what, do men not need to have their emotional needs met? are they really just fucking animals who want to empty their over-spermed dicks? why dont they just jack off into a toilet for crying out loud? oops, am i not supposed to mention masturbation in the presence of god? and gary makes women seem like fucking prudes from the latest harlequin romance, the christian edition. gag. this man has very little knowledge of couples outside the realm of christian folklore.
his section on physical touch made me laugh. i wasnt sure if the lame attempts at humor were to assuage his own discomfort or that of his audience. yes, gary, people have sex. i understand that when you tell me to rub my partners leg with my foot that i should make sure im not rubbing the dog. harhar.
to be fair, he touched on the basic fundamentals of communication with your partner, but i can hardly call this book revolutionary. his book on the five languages of love for children sound more useful just because the developmental stage they are in matches the dumbed-down tone of the book. youd think he was writing for couples who were born in a vaccuum.
im so over reading new york times bestsellers. weve been brainwashed into accepting that the typical mainstream formula is quality literature. i prefer real talk to fluffy shit, thank you.
The Five Love Languages for Singles
What Are the 5 Love Languages?
Gary Chapman , was written in and has become more popular recently. What exactly are they and what do they mean? The five love languages describe the way we feel loved and appreciated. Depending on our individual personality types, we may feel loved differently than how our partners do. According to Dr. This love language expresses love with words that build up your partner. Words mean a lot if your partner has this love language.
The phrase has been ubiquitous since Dr. The other four are just as important and offer [other] ways to express love to each other. Tina B. This language, says Chapman, is all about giving your partner your undivided attention. That means no TV, no chores, no cell phone — just giving each other your undivided attention. Take time every day to do this. The person who loves this language thrives on the love, thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift.
Words of affirmation — using words to build up the other person. The flies were going to carry it out for you. Acts of Service — Doing something for your spouse that you know they would like. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, are all acts of service. Quality time — by which I mean, giving your spouse your undivided attention. Taking a walk together or sitting on the couch with the TV off — talking and listening.
According to Chapman, the five ways to express and experience love that Chapman calls "love languages" are:. Examples are given from his counseling practice, as well as questions to help determine one's own love languages. Chapman's book claims that the list of five love languages is exhaustive. Chapman suggests that to discover another person's love language, one must observe the way they express love to others, and analyze what they complain about most often and what they request from their significant other most often. He theorizes that people tend to naturally give love in the way that they prefer to receive love, and better communication between couples can be accomplished when one can demonstrate caring to the other person in the love language the recipient understands.