A Gentle Rain by Deborah Smithretard ranch!!
this is the best romance novel i have ever read. which really only means it is better than this.(now that i have learned how to do that, i am going to link to every part of the internet, given time...) and sarah palin will probably hate this review. but the fact of the matter is, i love the word retard. i think it is a funny-sounding word, along with renal, swizzle and filbert. but i dont want any angry facebook letters (because i am not even on facebook, so it will do you no good) asking for my resignation from my position of absolutely nothing. my relative anonymity is very freeing, as i can use the word retard with impunity as long as you recognize words are different from intent.
because this book totally takes place on retard ranch, which alliteration pleases me, so it is my shorthand, because gentle rain sounds like a euphemism for douche.(another word i think sounds funny)
as a romance, it is way overly complicated - billionaire environmentalist heiress parents die in a plane crash while they are living in brazil, she learns she was actually adopted, and that her parents are both mentally-challenged (one of whom is also stinking rich, but not really allowed access to the dough) and living on a ranch staffed exclusively by the mentally-challenged, except for the handsome quarter-indian leading man who was a mexican wrestler in another life, of whose fan club (the brazilian branch)she was once the president.so she goes to the ranch to meet her birth parents, but does not reveal her identity (natch) and ingratiates herself into their lives, becoming a champion barrel racer, and getting steven spielberg to finance a movie based on former mermaid performers and there is some samba and soy cheese and ummm heart transplants?? is anyone still reading this review, or have you all gone out to buy a copy of this book? its pretty amazingly detailed. with a lot of quotes from jane austen. and does every romance novel feature a million/billionaire with a heart of gold? its almost startling.
because this is a romance novel, i will have to give you writing samples, also to amuse me.
a lot of it actually sounds as if sarah palin herself may have written it. it is full of apostrophes and folksy-isms:
karen was hunched over estrelas neck like a hungry panther ridin a wild pig
(estrela is a horse, by the way)
some mornings, gettin possum out of his box was like pryin a turtle out of a storm drain
(possum is an autistic man, by the way)
now, if a bodacious blonde like her walked up to me in a bar, and smiled, id sure buy her a martini and enjoy the view. but this blonde had walked up to me with a chip on her shoulder and her tongue wrapped in barbed wire.
(bodacious is used on at least two other occasions)
now, onto some ew.
She was soft and snuggly, and i knew just how to stroke the sensitive spot on her caesarian section.
i liked the way the shirt fit. she had some good muffins.
(because she was baking muffins at the time - get it?)
the kiss after the mermaid show had been on my mind a lot. on my mind and wrapped in the sweaty palm of my hand, if you know what im sayin
(i do. and ew)
their heads may not work right, she liked to say,but their other parts operate just fine.
(from the mouth of a sixty-year-old women who has regular sexual relations with two different mentally challenged men on the ranch. i think its the phrase she liked to say that gets me into ew mode.)
and as a finale, isolated lines that made me quizzical:
see there? when you actively open your heart and mind to new ideas and the possibility of friendship, the hostility and distrust all fade away
(spoken in portuguese. to a horse.)
ben thocco was a metrosexual cracker cowboy. i meant that in a good way
his legs, inside those thin cotton joggers, were a fiesta of interesting muscle
worn with just the right amount of style and swagger, a large belt buckle draws the eye directly to the territory beneath it. i found myself helplessly drawn to bens horse head
i loved her then. right then. thats when i fell in love
so it is 2 stars, but its a fun two stars,and if you like romance novels, you might like it. it is much better than the nora roberts - i cant understand my own star system, i just click em.
oh - i forgot!! this book also has recipes. at the end!! for fried gator, etc!!!
if you asked for more out of a book, you would just be a greedy gus.
In a Gentle Rain
This second movement of The Willson Suite has been restructured to accommodate virtually any player as the soloist. Serene by nature, the charismatic melody is accompanied by unique effects, reminiscent of a gentle rain. The solo may be divided to feature multiple soloists. This creative approach is the perfect opportunity to feature outstanding soloists at your spring concert. An incredibly musical work.
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